work && choruss.

hello there.

my chorus concert is tonight

thats exciting...

i suppose except the fact that

i have to work

and i probably cant get off so thats lame

OH and they have me working christmas eve and i deff cant work christmas eve

and i said that on my application

i didnt check christmas eve!

but the have me working there anyways.

its pretty annoying.

and im not working

so ill probably get fired or something haha

which is awful.

but i dont care because i CANT work

im going out of town.

sorry bout your luck.

anyways.

thats life.

adios.

UGH

i thought i had all As
and i did
until today
when i took my test.
so now i have a B
and that sucks
and i kind of feel like crying my eyes out right now
i know its not a big deal but im just ugh
thats so frustrating
and i already told my fam and stuff
and they were all proud
and today started as a good day
but now it pretty much sucks butt.
so im angry
and in a bad mood
and pretty much wanna punch something real bad
CCCCRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPP!

nightmaresss.

okay so i havent slept in probably almost a week. i keep having nightmares. dont laugh im serious. theyre about my dad and theyre really awful and its just the same two dreams every night. 1) well im like viewing it from outside of myself you know? like through someone elses eyes or something. my dad walks through the door and im sitting at the kitchen table and im like hey daddy! and he ignores me and i just sit there trying to talk to him. Eventually im screaming my lungs out at him DADDY! DADDY! and he just wont even look at me. its pretty much like i dont exist and for some reason i never get up and go like hug him or punch him ( not sure which one id rather do ). anywhoo the second dream; its viewing it from my own eyes this time. I can see my feet walking down the stairs, really slowly too. and i turn the corner and see my daddy sitting in the big blue chair he ALWAYS sat in and i walk over all slow and hes like hey sweet pea and motions me to sit in his lap... instead the next thing i see is part of a shot gun, in my hands, i shoot him, wipe off the gun and put it in his hands like a suicide, (which is how he really died) and then walk out the basement door and make sure it locks and then i wake up freaking out. when he first died i had a theory that he was murdered and didnt kill himself, but i never thought i did it so... yeah. these dreams are pretty awful, i mean theyre killing me... bad choice of words, but you know what i mean. anywayss, merry christmas adioss!

christmas

AHHHH im so ready for christmasss! 13 daysss! 13 wow. i have no presents and like 765423543 to buy. thats not good. but im ready anyways. not like everyone else here at school they are all ready for christmas... BREAK im just ready for christmas. ready to see my family and spend the day with everyone. Ready to watch people open up presents and stuff their faces. ready to see all the christmas lights. Ready for SNOWW! ready for santa with the little kids. and dirty santa with the big kids ha ha im just ready. but once it gets here im not going to want it to leave. :( ill miss it when its gone... if it ever gets here. feels like ive been waiting for a year or something. OH WAIT! i haveeee. but still. im just pumped. woot woot yeahhh! but to be a debby downer for a minute... i do miss my dad and wish that he could be here for this chirstmas. well for any christmas really but particularly this one because its the closest and id like to see him haha. since thats not going to happen i suppose i should quit wasting my time and wish for something more practical the raising some one from the dead. ANYWAYYSSS merrrrryyy! CHRISTMASSSS! ! ! !

winter slumps

I'm sick, its winter.

my throat hurts awful bad.

my eyes are running

my ears are too and

my nose isnt far behind

im always cold

i continuosly shiver

i pretty much cough all day

i sound like man

and i look like rudolph

i think i have the flu

i could be dying

but dont really care

i just want it to be through

my nose is bipolar

one side is running

the other i cant get to budge

my sinuses are absolutely crazy and

on christmas i wont taste the fudge

it pretty gross my feeling this way

and ive tried every remedy i can

im ready to pack

and say good bye to freezing

and say hello hawaii

and hello to a tan.

P-Can...P-Con!

hmmm. My favorite food to eat for thanksgiving is probably pecan pie. Its the ONlY time my we ever have it. I stuffing and taters and everything all good but pecan pie is definately my favorite, probable just because i never have it. We always have it though, every thanks giving. I always eat it with vanilla ice cream, and so mine is always the best. Its great though because we have so many desserts and most people eat pumpkin pie, or cherry pie, or pumpkin bread, not me though, i love pecan pie. Its delicious, and now im hungry. I love arguing with my family over it too. We always have the debate over if its pecAn or pecOn well at least how its prenounced. I call it pecan. because the word can is pronounced with with an A so pecan should be too. (:

Rain.

Rain means leaving this world. When its raining outside and ive been having a rough time, i just like to go to my yard and stand there looking up, feeling to rain on my face. I forget all about my problems its like im washing my slate clean, I feel like im the only person in the world, its just me and no one else, not anybody, even anything. I just go numb, but its a good numb, its like for once i forget about my mom, i forget about heartache, about school, my brothers, money, everything. I feel undefeatable for once in my life. I feel important and in control, like nothing can move me. I love it. Until the thunder strikes, then i hurry my little butt in the house and call up the boyfriend to come save me (:

Alex Hay.

Well. I'd like to thank Alex. He's been my brothers friend since i was 3 and so hes somewhat like a brother. I mean thats how we introduce each other. Anywho, he went to afganistan a while ago and when he told me he was leaving i cried and cried and hugged him and all that, it was awful. When he came home i was so excited i didnt even know he was supposed to be bakc for another 2 weeks and when i walked in my house from school he was down stairs sitting on my bed watching tv, just like nothing had ever happened. So of course i freaked and he tried to act all non scalant but he was excited for sure. We went out to eat and spent probably the rest of the day together but all night i had been noticing something was different. He was really different. I dont know how to explain it but he deffinatly left Alex and came back idk what. Sadly he was called back into duty and the night he found out he went out partying and broke abunch of bottles on his own head and then tried to kill himself, i was so scared. I cant imagine what he went through over there. I can only assure you it was something he never wants to go back to. I do thank him though. Hes one of the bravest people i know and i love him to death. I also miss him, the him that he used to be.

randomm

Omg. my knee has been hurting really bad again :( i really hope its not surgery. I hate needles. GRRRR. but i dont know i mean doctors keep telling me that i have bad knees bad ankles i mean just throw me in a wheelchair and roll me away already haha. no really dont cuz that would suck and i really dont know how i would survive without mobility but anyhow. Other than my knee things are going pretty dern good i think i have a job at dairy queen pretty much waiting for me so hopefully ill get my christmas dress & something for the boo! but bells about to ring so i probly ought to shut this sucker down. ta ta for now!

College.

college is coming up fast and im begining to worry because lots of my friends are getting accepted and i havent even applied yet, not because i dont want to go or because im procrastinating but because i cant afford to apply its so expensive! I mean i'm actually even nervous to ask my mom. I know it will only make her feel like a "bad mom" but i need to start applying at least, well on a plus note dairy queen is going to call me i think so hopefully i have a job and ill be able to at least apply to one or two schools here soon. im just scared. its kind of scaring me ALOT. and i dont know what to do i dont really forsee many options i feel like the universe is just working against me. And what sucks is im one of those kids that actually have plans for my life ive always wanted to go to college and i just dont know what to do about it not going is not an option!

Its monday.

okay so this year is going by so fast and for like the past week me and jason have been fighting alot. finally i broke down last night and just cried my eyes out and we talked and im freaking out because my whole life ive wanted to get away from home and go to college far away acutally i wanted to go out of state but now that weve been together for a while and i cant stand being apart from him ive been thinking about going to wesleyan until he graduates and transferring but i dont want to be the girl that gives up her dreams for some guy, and also louisville keeps talking him about an art scholarship thing and hes like no no no i want to come with you so we can be together and so then i feel bad cuz i feel likes hes giving up his dreams and i dont want niether one of us to compromise but i also dont wanna spilt up so my heart and my head are ocnflicting and im stuck!

Dear class of 2010

Dear class of 20-10
We’ve lost another friend
Our hearts are heavy & faces wet
The memories left we won’t forget
Memories are flashing of our last four years
She’s not the first but the pains still clear
Hard to ignore and easy to see
It never gets easier dealing with the grief
We miss our classmates it seems unfair
For Ashley, Melissa, Eric & Greg
They should be here for senior year
God took them from us, his reasons unclear
We’ve lost too many it feels like hell
I’m over crying, so mad I could yell
I want to know why. Right now
Instead I sit and wonder how
Why this happened; how it could be
Four of our friends now rest in peace

aslf hbddsafjlksajfdasadclks

I was supposed to go to melissas funeral today. i just dont do good at funerals and i wouldnt have anyone to cry on and i like having someone there with me. tooley was supposed to take me and he ended up not being able to go so i kind of took it as a sign beacause he was supposed to take me. Now im kind of regretting not going, i could have just went with bod but i didnt because i dont want to go because i didnt know her as well as some other people but i did want to go to pay respects and because she did use to be my friend. I just feel so blah. i dont know what to do really. I mean i guess i cant really change my mind beacuse its too late now but oh well you know. what can i do? this sucks.

Monday

i hate mondays

starting the week

i always hate them

theyre much too bleak

they are long and slow

and drag along

i hate mondays

i think its wrong

to start work and school and everything

on this awful ugly gross monday

but if we wait until tuesday

id hate tuesday as well

id think it hell

itd be just like the day before

the only difference: id hate it more

but if we wait until wednesday

i think id have to say

id hate wednesday

i think it true

wednesdays the worse

oh what to do?

suppose we start on thursday now

but thursday as monday

oh no oh wow

that sounds of only catastrophe

i guess well start on monday...

this week.

debt before college.

man im broke. like real broke and i definately dont have money for college applications or even the flippin ACT. im not real worried about the act because i got a 21 on it so thats good i think... right? well anyhow i want to take it again after i study and see if i do better, but i cant cuz were freakin poor. aside from that like i said before i cant apply to college without money. which i happen to think is pretty stupid in the fact. i mean i know they need funding and stuff but gosh what about people like me huh? my mom is convinced that i dont have to pay or something cuz were broke and she wants me to apply for the pale grant... or something like that. which maybe shes right but that doesnt change the fact that were broke and im going to need things for college omg i hate stressing over money. cuz there really isnt anything i can do to change it. i mean im tryin like crap but no one is hiring cuz of this doggone recession bologna. well on that note i guess im out of here. enl is over. byeee!

No news is good news...

Tomorrow is my month-averisary! YAY! 5 months and countingg! i'm pretty stoked... MoVING ON.... okay this week we found out that my boyfriend & his family got the call from the realator and the got the house they wanted so they have been packing all week and our moving tomorrow which is totally awesome and great news but a couple hours after we got that good news we got the call telling Jason that Jake had died which obviously is terrible news. The week before that my mom had to go to a hearing about getting her disability and she won, again that was amazing news, we got to keep our house and now were going to be coming into alot more money, alot of money that we need. Sadly just two days after getting that great news i had a dermatologist appointment because my face was breaking out while we were there they discovered the cancerous spot on my back that they had to remove & biopsy which is terrible awful news. with all of the drama here recently i cant help but to think that maybe everytime something good happens something bad has to happen just to make sure im not too happy i think its the universe working against me & its ridiclious. it makes me want to just have no hope that good things will happen.

poem

i was walking down the road today
and i saw a flower
purple and white this flower
purple and white and beautiful too
i thought of you

i was lying in the bed today
watching my tv
dane cook mad me laugh out loud
right until my eyes peed
i thought of you

i was talking to my mom today
and hugged her when i left
she wrapped me in hers and squeezed
i love you too i said
i thought of you

i think of you at crack of dawn
and in the afternoon
i think of you at evenings meal
and when i see the moon

i think of you when i dont mean to
and when i want you near
i think of all the love i have
and how its all for you; my dear

i think of how sweet it is to look into your eyes
and also how hard it is to miss you & goodbyes

while i write i think of you
while i read i think of you
when i think its all for you
so can you help me please
bestow upon me just one word
and let it be the name of thee

feeling brothers blues.

OMGG! my little brother went in for surgery today =-l and im sooo scared about it. Im going to the hospital after school to visit him and check on him and stuff but i hate this i know hes going to be all sad and i also know that in the long run he will feel better. idk why im stressing so much i mean im sure that he is fine everything will go great and stay that way i just know it but it still makes me nervous just because im a worry wart i suppose. I'm stressin about it though, its going to just break my heart to see him lying in a hospital bed in pain. my goodness this is awful. I just want to leave now and go and check on him. I didnt tell him good luck or anything this morning because i figured it would make him more scared if i did like it was me saying my goodbyes or something idk stupid thought because now im regretting it and i feel like he hates me for it. Well honestly i know he doesnt hate me he probably hasnt even thought about if his annoying mean older sister has said anything to him today but i just know that i havent so it just isnt sitting well on my brain or conscience or whatever that word is. well ive vented for now, thanks for listening.

Reason for the worry wart

wow. im massive worried. my mom has to go to court at one o'clock today. shes supposed to be getting her disability money or whatever its called and if she doesnt get this money then were going to forclose on our house and were already really broke. when i say broke i mean like massive poor people broke. i keep trying to give words of encouragement to her like this morning she was crying and shes all worried about it but i just im really worried and i know she doesnt know that i am but i mean how can i not be. what are we supposed to do if she doesnt get this money. we have no where else to go. its not like its just the two of us either we have a big family that i need to take care of. i used to do a good job at it to. but now i dont have a job and im not able to provide for them like i used to do. i just keep thinking of my little brothers, they dont even know whats going on. i mean they are used to getting lots of the things that they want dont get me wrong we have never been loaded or anything but the boys were ok. this year rayce didnt get anything for his birthday, and jetts is coming up and i dont know if hes going to get anything either. it doesnt bother me that i didnt get anything i could care less but them... i just feel like were breaking their spirits or something. which probably sounds over dramatic or something but its just what comes to mind. its pretty awful. my mom cant think of anything but us hating her. and we wouldnt hate her. i mean no lie id be disappointed and stressed and probably cry but i just dont know what else to do. just i dont know right now and who am i supposed to talk to about this? no one. there is no one. oh well. guess i ought to go. bye.

tearful in love.

He's mad at me and keeps finding ways to blame it on me. He just seems like he's always negative and thats not how he usually is. usually he makes me happy and hes always happy and smiling and funny and sweet and now hes just got this attitude and i dont even complain about it im just walking down the hall with him and he says whats your problem your acting like you dont wanna be around me. gosh i hope he knows hes really breaking my heart right now. i love him and ive never loved anybody before in my life. i dont trust people ever and think love is a very important word and you dont need to throw it around. hes really killing me. im trying so hard not to break down right now and just bawl my eyes out, thats what i want to do right now just cry until i cant cry anymore, and the worst part about it is i told him we needed to talk later that it was important and i wanted to talk about it in person but not at school and he just dont even seem to care. hes still got this bad attitude and i just dont know what i did. I havent done anything wrong and even though i dont think i did i still apologized to him just to try and make everything better. all he said was why are you sorry and then when i was like for whatever it was i did to make you mad and he gets mad because he said hes not mad and nothing is wrong. i just dont know what to do at this point. my stomach is in knots and im tearing up so i guess im shuting up now. guna go watch beowulf.

i admire...

I admire a leader who has the courage to do what is right even if it means looking at some of his followers and telling them no, or going against what they want. I admire someone who takes the time to get to know his people, maybe not all of his individual followers but at least what the majority or many of the people beleive, someone who realizes that he is not the only one on the planet and also realizes its possible for him to be wrong, I admire someone who earned their position and did not earn it by having friends, or connections, i admire someone who is modest and kind, but also knows when to be stern and strict. all of these qualities are the most important in my eyes. I look at a persons ability to perform his responsibility as well as his ability to get to know someone and socialize. Its important to me that someone doesnt perform as if he is better than me. Its important. Yupp. It sure is.

http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2009-06-08-Obama.jpg

Labor day Dilema

Happy Friday! It's coming up on labor day and im not as stoked as most people would be. Labor day is like the anniversary of my dads death and it kinda sucks every year. On top of that I swear people are talking about stuff like death every where. I mean the Prompt for us to write about today was why friendship doubles your happiness and halves your grief. I know that the worlds not out to get me or anything but i just always intend or forgeting about what happened and it always sneaks back up in my head for like no freaking reason. I guess it just happens so that all good. Other than that I hope to have a pretty sweet long weekend haha so thats pretty awesome!

I NEED A MEDICINE MAN

Okay, so i hate getting behind in school. I'm honestly a decently smart person and my only problem is how unorganized I am and when I get behind thats when I start getting bad grades because I dont turn stuff in. So today im sitting here in english, feeling like death itself and im trying to decide if I should have came or not. I need to come to school so i understand things and i dont get behind but i dont know if i should be here seeing as how I cant breathe and I feel like im about to pass out. I hate being sick, its awful and I hate it. GRRRR. should i ignore the fact that i still dont feel good at all or should i just give up and go back to some doctors who have misdiagnosed me 3 times. i need a medicine man.

Senior Year

Wow. I'm a senior. Thats absoultely crazy. I have talked about this year since i was in middle school and probably before then but now that its here, i'm completely scared. Terrified actually. I have no idea what i'm going to do with my life, what college i'm going to go to. I've got nothing. I mean lots of people in my grade right now they know their favorite college the one that they have always wanted to go to, not me, no idea. People all around me also have that sport or subject or something that they have always wanted to do, or that something that they are just really good at, their passion, their dream, I don't have a passion, heck I don't even have a dream. So, now im stuck here in this one year. When im supposed to be excited and pumped the best year of High School everyone says, and i'm stuck here thinking OMG. Who am I?